Friday, October 11, 2013

If at first you don't succeed....

...try, try again.

Not that I am particularly good at that. Actually, I'm pretty miserable at it. But here I am, deciding that I need the practice, deciding that I will not let stinky news get me down. With all the poop in my life, after all, I'm pretty used to stinky things.

Surgery number 10 is coming up. I asked for dancing girls or a solid gold bed -- some sort of compensation -- but they apparently won't be forthcoming. What will be forthcoming is another mesh repair for my #@!%&^ fistula. A rectovaginal fistula, which you can read more about here. (Be forewarned, it's gross.) This will be my third attempt at a repair, and my last chance with a "simple" repair; the next step is a muscle graft which, for a variety of reasons, is NOT what I want to do.

Essential tool for trying again.

To be frank, I'm scared. Not of the surgery itself, which I have already been through once, and not about the skill level of the people performing the surgery, because I know them and trust them. Just, because. Because fistulas are notoriously difficult to repair, because I've already had three surgeries associated with this fistula and it is still here, because no surgery is ever a walk in the park. Because I am so damn tired of all of this.

And yet...

And yet, the minute I stop trying is the minute I might as well cash it all in and I am assuredly NOT ready to do that. Not in the least. Besides, who would listen to all of Jasper's bad jokes? Who would ride Little Toot and Boo about chores? Who would make sure that Bubba has a fresh supply of rubber duckies?

So I'm trying again. In so many different areas, I'm trying again.

And, just because we can all use more thrash Praise & Worship in our lives:
© 1989 LIMB RECORDS/LOST AND FOUND, BOX 305 LEWISTON, NY, 14092. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
YOU MAKE ME WANT TO TRY AGAIN.
I THINK IT'S SOMETHING I CAN FINALLY UNDERSTAND. YOUR LOVE IS LIKE THE OCEAN, TURN MY PAIN INTO THE SAND.
I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT I CAN KNOW. YOUR LOVE IS LIKE THE SUNSHINE AND MY TROUBLE'S LIKE THE SNOW.
I THINK IT'S SOMETHING FINALLY TAKING A HOLD. OH YOUR LOVE IS LIKE THE FIRE AND MY HURT IS LIKE THE COLD.
I THINK IT'S SOMETHING FINALLY LEAVING A MARK. OH YOUR LOVE IS LIKE THE LIGHTNESS AND MY HEART IS LIKE THE DARK.